What ice can I get you is an untraditional rhetorical technique in which a person in a loving relationship attempts to understand their partner's needs by presenting a metaphorical inquiry into what type of support would be most helpful to address an emotional hurt. The question reflects that the inquirer is not prioritizing their own ego or sense of shame, and instead helps the respondent avoid the additional frustration of feeling alone or invalidated in the vulnerability of the moment. The "Question of Ice" prioritizes the experience of the person who is feeling hurt, at no emotional expense to their partner.
The phrase "What ice can I get you" was coined in 2025 by my husband Theo Dever, who asked it to me during a difficult conversation. [1 ]
When one person in a relationship is experiencing non-physical hurt, deep feelings, or emotional overwhelm, and it can be safely assumed that it was unintentionally caused or triggered, that person may introduce a metaphor about stepping on toes. [2] The metaphor is invoked to explain the concept that, even if toes were stepped on unintentionally, a natural response might be to apologize for, or at the very least acknowledge, the toe-stepping. This approach suggests that sometimes, fact-checking and fault assigning is not a required activity in order for emotional validation to take place. A person is simply believed about their experience of emotional hurt. [3]
When proposed, this metaphor was initially entertained before being rebuked, owing to the idea that hurt feelings are not at all like stepping on a toe, because feelings are not toes and additionally if someone accidentally stepped on a toe, then it would hurt them but it wouldn't hurt their feelings, and the toe-stepper wouldn't feel like they were being accused or criticized of something. This point was countered, that it very much is like stepping on a toe because the first thing you do when a toe is stepped on is deal with the hurt. You know, maybe you would check on the person's toe, or get them a chair, or offer to get them ice. [4] After a momentary pause and subtle "oh", the question was asked - "What ice can I get you?" Although sources disagree on whether or not the original phrase was "What type of ice can I get you?", or "What type of ice can I get you for this?", experts on the matter largely concur that it was a beautiful turn of phrase and an inflection point in the argument/difficult conversation. Especially since the ice that was most needed wasn't really about the relationship at hand, but more about some feelings related to my own sense of failure throughout my sister's ongoing nightmare of trying to divorce a narcissist, which if I think about it, is actually me internalizing the utter failure of our system, plus some unresolved shit from my twenties and childhood. In the 12 hours since this incident, the phrase has not been re-addressed, but in time will likely be cited as additional proof that our marriage is maybe actually a healthy one? that conflict is natural, and that emotional growth is difficult, but ultimately possible and maybe that is actually exactly what it looks like to be in love.
Natalie Dever, a struggling-to-define-anything-about-herself artist, spent the afternoon with Theo because their refrigerator broke and they needed to get a new one: [5]
As demonstrated by the events of the afternoon, the "Question of Ice" proved to be an effective for shifting an emotionally immature conversation towards a not-perfect-but-we-are-working-on-it one). [6] l If both partners keep their familiarity with the question, the technique could be redeployed by simply asking the phrase, with no need to explain the underlying metaphor or involve any discussion of toes). [7]
